Dream: e-course on intergenerational dialogue

As Jan Willem and I are slowly planning our retirement from Rwanda, we dream about what we want to do before we leave. Don’t worry; we will not go yet, but we will in three or four years. The Netherlands, friends, family and grandchildren are calling.

One thing on my wish list before we go is to make an e-course about intergenerational dialogue. This topic would go a bit deeper than other topics in our Life Skills Academy, it would fit with my background as a coach-counsellor. The course will be about conducting sensitive conversations between generations. The choices my mother made in her life, influenced the choices I made in my life. And when my mother talked about what she did in life, many of her explanations had to do with the time and the circumstances in which she lived.

The genocide from 1994 is always present in Rwanda somehow. There are yearly commemorations, and, in subtle ways, it is present in daily life. As a foreigner it is difficult to pinpoint it, it pops up at unexpected moments. For instance, we have a ladies’ network, and occasionally we go out to eat. I encouraged others, Rwandans, to invite members to it, but the reply was: “You better do it, you are neutral.” I take this to mean that inviting members to a network or a group is still sensitive.  

To realise this dream, I hope to work together with people from organisations like Community Based Sociotherapy, Solid Minds and Geruka.  We met on a Friday under the tree and had beautiful conversations. Later, I received a tip about an excellent book about this topic, written by Claver Irakoze.

The course will have testimonial videos of people who explain how they started asking or replying to questions, a methodology to start the process step by step and we will encourage journalling as a method of self-reflection and goal setting. This is the good part, making the course materials.

Before that, there is the harsh reality of making a perfect project proposal, finding funding, getting official permission, finding all partners and replying to difficult questions. Here is a  bit of the project proposal:

Why intergenerational dialogue

Talking about traumatic events is not easy, but as time passes, talking about it may help in healing.

Children in their innocence may ask, “Why do I have no grandparents?” “Why did xx spend so many years in prison?” or, “Would I have been killed if I lived in 1994?” Research shows that some adults respond to their questions by ignoring them, telling the child not to ask such questions, or diverting the subject. The child will quickly feel that the subject is sensitive and will feel they are not allowed to speak out or ask questions about it. They learn to keep quiet, not to be curious. This may lead to poor performance in school or even work. The trauma is passed on to the next generation.

Adults could react differently instead of diverting the subject. They could ask the child questions to find out what the child knows, and why they have come up with the question. Next, they could give a constructive response, while taking care to provide the child with information they can digest.

The generations below 35 who have traumatic or no personal memories of the genocide, may want to ask the survivors or perpetrators who are now in their sixties, questions before they die. For some, understanding what has happened in their family, may help to come to terms with it. Also, the generation that were adults during the genocide may feel the need to talk about it while they relive memories.

The e-course will serve to assist those who feel the need to talk or reply to questions. The target group would be higher educated people with the means to do an online e-course.

Making dreams come true

When we first came to Rwanda, I went around for some years until I found an organisation willing to fund the courses about gender we wanted to make. Now I have a few years to get this project done. With dedication and perseverance, the dream may come true.

And…. if you think this is a great idea or if you know someone willing to support it or pay for it, please connect.

Gerry van der Hulst